Posted on 2013.03.06 at 19:32
an MMO where every monster in the world has to be created by the players. you get to customize your creations and do fun stuff to make monsters, or you can go out and battle them. maybe have teams making monsters against other teams. i dunno,
Posted on 2013.02.24 at 16:34
Current Mood: tired
what am i supposed to be doing
obviously there's no set place i'm supposed to be, or some thing i'm supposed to be doing
i have practically nothing i look forward to each day
everything is super hard and i feel like i can't talk to anyone about anything important
and i don't want to talk to most people
but i can't figure out why i'm so upset by everything all the time
i constantly look for something to blame for my behavior
but it's like no one even notices my behavior
or they're just staying away because i'm closed up
i've become more withdrawn since moving to asheville. i feel like i have 2 friends left, and any time i spend thinking about them the less i want to have to deal with everything.
i'm worried that the only thing i have with my boyfriend is drugs and tv, and those are both things i could have by myself. but i couldn't score drugs by myself, there's no way. i've met zero people since moving here that i am at all comfortable around. any time i'm out i'm thinking about getting back home.
jeff and i hardly ever go anywhere. or do anything. and we, or at least i, can chalk it up to our weird work schedules all i want. but there seems to be something else there. i always make myself forget about it until later, that's how drugs and video games benefit my relationship with people. this time last year i was drinking a whole lot, but other than school i was happy.
i want to dance again. blast music and roll around on my floor. i want someone to push me to get out and party and have fun. asheville is a beautiful, magical city. i just can't imagine myself being able to form relationships with the people here. i'm too mainstream-minded, maybe. i don't even remember the last relationship i formed with someone that was of my own volition.
i must want to be alone. but i still complain to myself when jeff leaves me to go do something. i'm just jealous. he's great at everything because he's grown up here. and had a better upbringing i guess.
i don't know how to bring up all the things bothering me to jeff because i don't know what they all are, how he could help, or where i would end up afterward.
i wonder if he still thinks we're soulmates or if he's questioning it these days.
i don't talk to any of the people he introduced me to anymore. except simon.
were i alone:
=i would have to get a smaller place or move back home. i'd rather live here for sure.
=i'd have to get tv
=i wouldn't feel so weird playing video games or watching tv all day instead of paying attention to jeff
=i wouldn't feel weird about deciding which bed to sleep in
i'm scared that if i make a joke about sex jeff will think i'm dropping hints about it. i'm worried that moving conversation toward sex will only make me uncomfortable. because i don't like gay sex. i don't like sucking dick. i wouldn't mind doing it, but i can't get off when jeff touches me. i feel anxious and scared, trying to get out of the situation. i wonder if jeff knows. we never sleep together or touch each other anymore. we kiss, and he holds back when we kiss, maybe for my sake, maybe to say "if you're not giving me anything you don't get anything". he deserves to be out having sex with all kinds of hot guys. i miss girls.
every time i get out of our relationship, it must be loneliness
i'm super into anime lately. jeff really opened me up to it. and a lot of japanese stuff. and i love japanese stuff lately.
this just feels wrong
i think i'm just the kind of guy that only lasts for short bursts. i'm always happiest with someone a few months in when we're dating. then it dies down and becomes a dull roar. i'm really my best friend.
i'm really good at entertaining myself. i could probably live alone. i really want a cat. i really really want a fox, but what's the point if i have no one to show it off to. i'll probably get a cat. i don't like dogs that much, but they're ok.
we don't even text each other anymore. i miss having someone i was always talking to.
someone told him "sometimes long distance relationships work only because they're long-distance." we're not having problems living together, we're just having problems. and we may never talk about them.
Posted on 2012.03.17 at 23:08
Current Mood: gloomy
i can't kill myself yet, i have so many addictions to follow up on!
Posted on 2012.01.10 at 14:00
i don't talk to myself as much anymore.
Posted on 2012.01.08 at 00:03
Don't let them know you're desperate, man. You got this.
I'm back to hoping every buzz from my phone is for me. But I'm still ignoring everyone trying to reach out to me. And still complaining that no one cares about me.
And I know people care. And I know I'm being a jerk. But I've still got this feeling. I don't know what my deal is. I'm no closer to figuring myself out. I don't know what I like, what I want.
This is awful. I turn to drinking and regret.
I'm waiting for someone to up and come save me. I don't like the work. But I don't really know who I should save.
Posted on 2011.08.25 at 11:51
Current Mood: exanimate
if it's any consolation, you're probably never going to die. your brain will stop making electrical signals, but your materials, which make up more of you than your personality does, is going to spread around and be a big part of other forms of life.
you will be in existence until the universe explodes, and you have been in existence since it all started.
you were there at the big bang, and you were there before it. you didn't have eyes or ears, and you didn't really know what was happening, but you made it to this point. you're on other planets. you're in other galaxies. you're inside stars creating new elements.
you can look anywhere and see pieces of you. you run civilizations, eat sharks, dance, sing, bark, fly, swim, give birth every few seconds. you and i are one entity. your neighbors, that lady you saw driving to get something to eat, your parents. we're all one.
we're not made of stars, we are stars.
so stop fucking around.
Posted on 2011.08.21 at 00:23
you're too cheery for me, livejournal. were you ever really this happy?
you're a gross little lie, LJ. you just can't see it. but whatever, i'm not your mom.
delete delete delete
i like to burn what i earn.
things have an affinity for falling apart. i sure do. my atoms don't seem to like me much. they're always trying to break free.
i often wonder where i'd direct people in my suicide note. so they can learn about me through my playlists and whatnot. i can't seem to decide on anything though.
someday i'll evolve.
Posted on 2011.07.31 at 02:36
Current Mood: no?
It's like we woke up halfway through a movie and have to figure out the crazy plot before it ends.
Posted on 2011.05.28 at 11:36
Current Mood: crappy
liquorpoops were not intelligently designed
Posted on 2011.05.24 at 15:23
Current Music: My Body Is A Cage
Believing in Jesus is like passing on a chain letter from your inbox. Or doing online surveys that ask for your credit card at the end, but then you get a free HDTV! But you don't actually get one. You know the kind.
He's like a holographic Charizard. Like a Collector's Edition 4-disc set with 20 hours of special features.
He basically rebooted everything and activated that virus that had been waiting patiently for months for you to restart your computer.
The New Testament is like the Star Wars prequels.
Medievalism was like being in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber at Kami's place.
Humans are waiting for their Jesus boomerang to come back, but it landed on someone's roof. They just made it up that he would come back, it's not even in the Bible. Jesus is their waiter, and they were supposed to be at that thing 5 minutes ago where's the check what the hell's with the service here?
Are clouds part of heaven? What's right under the clouds, do they ever get rainy or snowy? Has lightning ever struck an angel? Why would God do that that's so mean.
I still don't get how Jesus is God and the son of God. Is Jesus His own dad? And how is God three things combined into one?
If I had church money, I'd do more than sit around promoting myself. I'd have a million cars made of alcohol and crazy bread.
God farts. And sometimes it's those gross ones you get when you're sick, and it stinks up the room and you can't be near anyone for a few days because of it.
God isn't perfect. He couldn't even get atoms right.
By the way, thanks for entropy, Dude. Seriously, it makes everything great. We're loving it down here inside the Universe.
I like the idea that things go on forever better than just stopping one step back.
What's to keep people from sinning then repenting and sinning again? Have they figured out that loophole yet? That's what I'd do if I had to repent.
Your daughter's drinking in college.